Battling Bad Behavior

During this post I will go over why kids behave badly and some ways to deal with and avoid it. Now this post will have suggestions for both neurotypical and neurodivergent kids. All children want the same thing, attention. However, nobody likes a mouthy kid. You know that feeling, when they say or do something that pushes your “oh no you didn’t” button. Wanting so badly to scream but knowing it will do absolutely no good at all. And if your child is extra sensitive like most special needs children are then screaming will just do more harm than good. 

Battling negative behavior can be excruciating and exhausting. I would like to point out the difference between acting out/being rebellious and a meltdown/overstimulation which is a common occurrence for special needs kids. A meltdown for some kids can be extremely violent and will literally make you not want to be alive anymore. It is, in my opinion, much worse than acting out. Today we are talking about when a child misbehaves for the attention. Funny thing is, it’s inevitable. Especially with today’s generation of children. They will take any attention that they can get. Spoiler alert, the way to deal with it positive reinforcements. Keep in mind that if we do not give our children the positive attention that they need to grow, they will look for it elsewhere. By the end of this, I hope you have figured out some ideas on how to take the sour out of your sour patch kid. That way, you can experience more of the sweet side.

Why They Do It 

There can be several reasons why our children respond to us with negative behavior. Usually, kids act this way because they don’t know how to express what they’re really feeling. Every kid I have ever met has gone through this phase at some point or another. And I have witnessed parents respond to this behavior in various ways, mostly negatively. If I’m going to be honest, there have been times where I’ve raised my voice and said some things I shouldn’t have. It happens. When you find yourself in these situations, you are so taken off guard you don’t know what to think. In fact, it is impossible to think straight with those emotions boiling inside of you. Thus you must start by training your brain to stop and breathe for a second when you experience those trigger emotions. If you can allow your brain a moment to process everything then you can ask yourself why they are doing it and most likely respond in a healthier way. So, try to imagine why they are so upset and acting out in such a way. Here are a few possible reasons why your child is behaving badly.  

• Testing their boundaries 

• To get your attention 

• Covering up other emotions like feeling hurt 

• They know you will still be there for them no matter what you say 

• They may be repeating how they are talked to (common for autistic children) 

• Fatigue, hunger, or simply being frustrated 

• Having a hard time adjusting in times of change (such as moving, divorce, etc.) 

• Being bullied 

• Imitating how they see people talking on media (common for kids with autism) 
  

  There have been multiple times where I have felt so defeated that I googled what to do about negative behavior in kids. I have experience with parenting classes on this subject but when you're dealing with an autistic boy who doesnt know his own strength there are other concerns. It’s hard to stop yourself when you feel like turning into the Punisher. But we are only human, sometimes we slip up. As adults though, we must remember to muster the strength to stop ourselves and respond respectively. No matter how badly we don’t want to. At times, we forget that our children are still learning, and it is still our job to teach them right from wrong.

When We Slip Up

When I haven’t handled the situation the best that I could have, I apologize. I try to calm myself as quickly as possible and apologize for saying hurtful words. As a result, they recognize that saying hurtful things is wrong and that you should apologize for that. In fact, I have noticed improvement with my oldest daughter over the years. After an argument, when she calms down, she apologizes for the way she has behaved. Which, as you can imagine, makes me very proud that she realizes that she needs to do so. If you are a mom trying to diminish your swearing, you could try to think of funny words to replace them and so that when you use them, your brain goes to something different, and you can think clearer. 

Selective Ignoring 

This is sometimes what happens when you get so annoyed with the scene your child may be causing that you shut yourself down... or is that just me? This can work in some situations. I would like to point out that though this is an option, it can cause more bad behavior, in my opinion, with an autistic child. Ignoring my son whilst he is being disruptive because he isn't getting his way may likely cause him to do more disruptive things. Ideally, this technique would work in showing your child that there are better ways to achieve whatever they are trying to achieve. IIt has been effective but at the same time I would only use this if there was nothing around the child that could make the situation unsafe.  

Praise Them When Necessary 

Therefore, apologizing for bad behavior is a good time to praise them. You could reply with “Thank you for apologizing. I accept your apology. And I’m sorry that you were so upset”. At the same time, you want to praise them when they do something good on their own. For example, if they put their shoes and coat away instead of throwing them on the floor. Basically, you want to encourage them to want to be good. It also makes them feel good when they receive that kind of attention. It builds confidence and allows them to believe in themselves more.  This kind of positive influence will works wonders I can promise you that.

Negotiate 

Both of my daughters like to negotiate. Their negotiation plays a big role in the solutions we come up with. By giving them choices, I’m giving them a little bit of power. That’s mainly what backtalk and attitude is, a power struggle. Plus, they will learn communication skills and how to earn what they want instead of dealing with plain negative consequences. So, when my daughter doesn’t want to throw her trash away, I give her a choice. When she asks me for something, I tell her if she throws away her trash that I will give her what she is asking for and sometimes a little extra. Sometimes you gotta sweeten the pot for them. With that being said, it is important to not seem too controlling.  

Quality Time 

Quality time is one of the most powerful methods in decreasing bad behavior. It is going to strengthen the bond you have with your child. It also gives you the opportunity to talk to them about anything that could be bothering them.  Getting to the root of any negative emotions can help in preventing future arguments. Your child will grow up to act like you, the person they look up to, which is why it is so important to teach them to be respectful. So many little things can show your child that you and they can be civil and get through anything that is challenging them. Taking even just ten minutes out of every day to do something together so that they know they have a chance to talk to you whenever they need to will provide improvement immediately. Some examples of positive attention include: 

•  Giving specific praises when your child when they are doing the right things or doing a great job 

• Celebrating the successes 

• Redirecting 

• Showing interest in things that they are interested in, smiling at/making eye contact or starting a conversation  

• Playing one of their favorite songs 

• Constructive feedback 

• Doing an activity together (puzzle, game, etc.) 

• Asking follow-up questions in conversations  

Additionally, I have provided some responses you can modify to your liking. When they come at you with “I hate you” or “No, I don’t feel like it” try to tune it out and say something like this... 

“It’s not okay for any of us to speak that way. I will give you some space and be back to check on you.” 

“It’s hurtful to hear you speak that way to me. I think we both need a minute to cool off.” 

“My patience is running out the door right now, I need a minute to go get it back.” 

“I’m sorry I have to rush you, but we are short on time, and I really need your help, please.” 

“Let’s talk when we are both calm.” 

“I can see you’re angry. I don’t want to hurt you or you to hurt me by saying something we will regret.” 

“I know you’re upset but it’s time for dinner (or whatever it is time for).” 

If this is something you have not tried yet then you will likely get what I like to call the "shock response". Your child may act surprised that you chose to deal with their behavior in a different direction. This is when they will realize that maybe reacting positive more than negative is a better option than acting how they have been. Somewhere down the line they will also realize that being dramatic is just for entertainment purposes, because it's just for show. Now, some people may refer to this as "gentle parenting" and bash on it but in my eyes it is more like positive parenting because we are teaching our children to be more positive than negative. If you are looking for more information on backtalk or negative behavior that hasn’t ceased yet you can also read more on the Child Mind Institutes blog. 

If any of this content helps you out in any way, please let me know. I know it’s hard to get through this phase with kids, but I have faith that we can do it. Just hang in there! Subscribe if you are interested in reading my updated content and check out some of my soon to come printables that can help with that quality time!